Manipulation Series — Article 1 / 5
The Dance of Three Shadows: Intrafamilial Manipulation and the Child’s Burden
Instrumentalizing the Child — Conceptual Framework, The Psychodynamics of the Mother and the Child
In this article, the terms “mother” and “father” are used; however, the dynamics discussed can occur in either parent regardless of gender. We approach the subject through a specific pattern: a parent who perceives herself as a “good mother,” yet uses the child for minor advantages, revenge, and control; who provokes the child against the father; and who pulls the child into emotional fusion, living almost like emotional twins. This pattern represents the intersection of several heavy psychological constructs: parental alienation, triangulation, emotional incest / enmeshment, and parentification.
1. Conceptual Framework: Turning the Child into a “Soldier of the Front”
1.1 Parental Alienation
When one parent systematically distances, frightens, or turns the child against the other parent, this is defined as parental alienation. Research indicates that children exposed to alienating behaviors may experience several negative outcomes later in life [2]:
- Mental health problems such as anxiety and depression
- Low self-esteem
- Identity confusion
- Trust issues in later relationships
1.2 Triangulation: Pulling the Child into the Conflict
Involving the child in parental conflict — positioning the child as an ally, messenger, or referee — is referred to in psychology as triangulation. This process makes the child part of adult conflict and may result in both internal and external adjustment problems. Studies show that triangulation is associated with various psychological difficulties in children [3]:
- Chronic anxiety and emotional regulation difficulties
- Blurred family roles and boundaries
- Difficulties in forming relationships and resolving conflicts later in life
1.3 Enmeshment and Emotional Incest
Enmeshment, also referred to as emotional incest, occurs when a parent meets their emotional needs through the child instead of through an adult partner. In such relationships, the child’s personal boundaries become blurred; parent and child function almost as “one body, one soul,” and individuation is hindered [4].
1.4 Parentification
Parentification represents a role reversal: the child becomes the parent’s parent. The child carries emotional burdens for which they are developmentally unprepared, acting as a “therapist,” “confidant,” or “emotional partner.” Combined with enmeshment, this boundary erosion increases several risks [5]:
- Excessive sense of responsibility
- Anxiety, shame, and guilt
- Burnout and dependent relationship patterns in adulthood
2. The Mother’s Psychodynamics: The Shadow Beneath the “Good Mother” Narrative
The mother in this example often narrates herself as follows: “I did everything for my child.” / “I had to protect him from his father.” / “Without him, I couldn’t survive.”
2.1 The Conscious Narrative
At the conscious level, she perceives herself as self-sacrificing and heroic. The father is coded as dangerous, worthless, or unloving. The child loving the father is experienced as betrayal.
2.2 The Unconscious Shadow
From a Jungian perspective, the mother’s shadow may contain:
- Fear of abandonment, worthlessness, and not being loved
- Feelings of powerlessness and helplessness
- Anger and desire for revenge — masked as moral righteousness
She attempts to extract from the child the validation, safety, and value she could not obtain from her partner. The child becomes the carrier of the mother’s shadow: “No one truly loved me — at least you must always choose me.”
As a result, she sabotages the child’s relationship with the father, demonizes him, and interprets even the slightest closeness as betrayal. Consciously she embodies the image of the “sacred mother”; unconsciously she carries the shadow of a figure who holds the child hostage as part of relational retaliation.
3. The Child’s Position: Loyalty Conflict and the Split Self
The child becomes trapped in three roles:
- The mother’s ally — against the father
- Spy / messenger — “Tell your father this… What did he say about me?”
- The mother’s therapist / confidant — parentification
Research shows that alienating behaviors are not uncommon in post-separation families [6]. Children exposed to such dynamics report later-life difficulties in depression, anxiety, identity formation, and attachment [6].
3.1 The Child’s Shadow
Consciously, the child may think: “I don’t want my mother to be upset.” or “If my father is bad, I should stay away.” But in the shadow layer, the following accumulate:
- Intense anger toward both parents
- Guilt for wanting to love the father
- Worthlessness and emptiness from suppressing personal needs
Over time, this dynamic may push the child toward one of two extremes: either internalizing manipulative relational styles (narcissistic or Machiavellian traits), or becoming excessively self-sacrificing — denying personal needs and attempting to “rescue” partners [7].
3.2 Developmental Consequences
Such upbringing increases risks including [2]:
- Difficulty establishing healthy boundaries
- Habitually creating or entering relational triangles
- Ambivalent attachment patterns (oscillating between dependence and avoidance)
- Depression, anxiety, and psychosomatic symptoms (bodily pain, sleep and eating disorders)
References
[1] Kind Mind Psychology. Enmeshment trauma: What is it?
[2] Verhaar et al. (2022). The impact of parental alienating behaviours...
[3] Harman et al. (2019). Prevalence of parental alienation behaviors...
[4] Kind Mind Psychology – Enmeshment Trauma
[5] Dariotis et al. (2023). Parentification Vulnerability...
[6] Harman et al. (2019). Prevalence of adults who are targets...
[7] Dariotis et al. (2023). Parentification Vulnerability...
Other Articles in the Series:
- Article 2 — The Demonized Father and the Trauma of the Targeted Parent
- Article 3 — Who Does This Child Become? Intergenerational Shadow Transmission
- Article 4 — The Bus Case: Concrete Scene Analysis (coming soon)
- Article 5 — Manipulation Tactics: Conceptual Breakdown (coming soon)